Natalie Portman got friendly with a chimpanzee yesterday night during the final banquet and awards ceremony for ShoWest, the annual movie-industry convention held at the Paris Las Vegas Hotel, where she was named Female Star of the Year.

If all it takes to make out with Natalie Portman is to be a monkey, then somebody get me a bottle of my special elixir and turn on my patent pending Backwards Evolving ray. We need science to get this done, man. Science!