Available donors of a lonely heart

By Hu Xudong ( China Daily ) Updated: 2007-04-05 17:05:54

Available donors of a lonely heart I've always felt that the lonely hearts advertisements in the newspaper classifieds are brilliant. At a time when telegrams are rare, such ads have carried on the essence of that dying communique: They exaggerate and entice as much as the word limit permits.

Some ads are so well written, I took them as examples when I taught the Chinese language abroad a few years ago. One was fit to be turned into a mini-drama.

"Female divorced 1.68 skin like congealed fat pure-hearted as orchid two cars three houses no kid healthy senior cadre family private enterprise manager Oriental restraint Western passion".

The unpunctuated words are strung together like a shish kebab, steaming with greasy mutton feeding the hungry public imagination.

I had thought myself quite familiar with the fictional, dramatic and literary nature of such ads. Then a few days ago, while reading the paper, I felt like I'd been hit by a baton.

I saw several palm-sized marriage ads that would revolutionize my understanding of modern Chinese language.

There seems to be certain rules: All of them are rich women seeking companionship; there is an intentional blur between finding a spouse and an ambiguous friend; the narration outlines some tragedy and promises a huge bounty; the phrases are voracious, many male readers would have an impulse to pick up the phone and dial, well, 110, the Chinese equivalent of 911.

There are roughly three types of these misfortunes.

Disaster: "Female, ex-husband dealt with antiques but passed away in an air crash, leaving behind astronomical assets. Lonely and helpless, I suffer from leukemia and long for a man of sentiment younger than 70 to accompany my last days. If satisfied, I can help you develop financially and all my fortunes belong to you when I die."

Strangely, I noticed the words "air crash" in more than 20 ads. According to the actual rate of air disasters in the world, the rich exes must have been most unfortunate to board the same plane.

Then there are unsatisfied marriages: "Female, beautiful, sexy and passionate young lady, with husband and daughter on prolonged business in Europe. I long for a mature man to share my laughter and tears. If satisfied, a limo and a house will be yours. I'll help you develop without bothering your family."

As the ads all blame the husbands for doing business abroad or being impotent, readers who aspire to reach the middle class can't help feeling depressed about what their dream holds for them.

The third type is downright brash: "Female, at an age of wolf and tiger, white skin and charming, postponed love while busy running a major company. An ace of aces during the day, I'm a lonely heart at night. If you want to harvest both beauty and money, contact me in a hurry."

What's the real story behind these ads? And what would happen if some men really picked up the phone and called? The mind boggles.

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(China Daily 04/05/2007 page20)