Look beyond the dazzle of foreigners

At the other end of the spectrum, some couples get into a relationship at lightning speed, glossing over the practicalities of family before committing to something more serious, including marriage. Such couples are intoxicated by the initial dazzle - the Western man may find a girlfriend more attractive and attentive than would be possible at home, the Chinese woman may feel elated at finding someone whom she perceives as wealthy and propitiously uncomplicated. But beyond the dazzle there exist cultural differences and different societal expectations.

Cross-cultural marriages are never easy, especially between people from cultures as far apart as China and the West; therefore, it's essential to adhere to realism and discuss the practical issues before marriage. My wife is Chinese. And although I made great efforts to assimilate in China, spending two years with my girlfriend before marrying her, there were too many misunderstandings between us in the first few years of our marriage. Even today, after many years together, we are still susceptible to moments of vexation caused by subtle differences in cultural ways of seeing.

It is not my intention to overemphasize the cultural and other differences. The point I want to make is that, much of the hype about Western men and much of the dazzle and smugness that Western men may feel in China are based on misconceptions and escapism. Ultimately, none of us can escape from societal conditioning. Taking time to develop an awareness of the ethos of the place where you want to settle down, or the partner you are forging a relationship with, is key to a harmonious and fruitful interpersonal and community relationships. Given the right attitude, and the willingness to be patient, flexible and understanding in China, it's possible to make lifelong friends or forge a family that would have a unique cross-cultural flourish.

The author is a freelance writer that specializes in culture, travel, and lifestyle.