Petty patties are pretty paltry, or in praise of processed

Shortly before Mike Delfino of Desperate Housewives fame met his maker at the business end of a loanshark's sidearm halfway through season 8, he had a heartfelt homeboy meal with his wife Susan and son MJ at a greasy spoon. I must have been fasting at the time because I was fixated by the barebones beauty of the burger - the Kaiser roll bun wrapped around a bit of Bessie, with crunchy iceberg lettuce, sliced tomatoes, onions, pickles and fresh ground pepper (though this latter is an assumption on my part and not visible on the long-running series at the time).

The soon-to-be room temperature plumber/handyman/stud finder then reinforced his status as one of my fave guy characters on the show with a Shakespearean-esque ode to the humble hamburger, going something like: "MJ, all a guy needs in life is a good wife, a good son, and a great burger."

Ah, I miss heartfelt poetry about heart-healthy cuisine.