Fork on the left, Mr. Wrong on the right

[Photo/The New York Times]

Q: My girlfriend and I are planning a large dinner party. I'd like to seat couples together, so they're more comfortable. But she thinks it is proper - and more fun - to separate couples so they meet new people. Is there a right or wrong here?

Andy, Los Angeles

A: Much of seating etiquette was developed centuries ago, for dinners in the courts of kings and queens. So, unless Will and Kate (or Aretha Franklin, Queen of Soul) are dropping by for a nosh, feel free to make your own rules. Better to focus on the more important job of hosts: providing a swell evening for your guests.

Think of your seating plan as a Rubik's Cube to work out in advance. Which of your guests might invigorate each other? Do any of them have interests in common? Can you pair extroverts with shy folk to avoid deathly silences - or eligible singletons to kindle the flames of romance? Choreographing the evening is half the fun.

If you're still worried that your guests won't gel, no harm in placing a spouse nearby. Follow the spirit of Leslie Gore: It's your party; seat how you want to.

Holiday inn-style home

Q: Every summer, my sister and her family travel a great distance to stay with us. The problem: they stay for weeks (way too long), and their lackadaisical parenting style causes problems for the rest of us. How should we handle this, and the fact that our mother won't address the subject? My sister has a forceful personality and a sharp tongue.

Anonymous, Boston

A: Hate to break it to you, Sis, but Mom is not the arbiter of your sisterly squabbles anymore. And no one turns our home into a Holiday Inn unless we let them.

The secret to dealing with forceful siblings is not going to war (which you rightly want to avoid), or rolling over, either (which you've been doing a lot of). Be gentle, but direct. When your sister mentions her next summer pilgrimage, say: "We're looking forward to seeing you, but we've got a lot on our plates now. How would the second week in August work?" Then don't back down, or tie yourself into knots explaining. A week of hospitality is nothing to be ashamed of.

If she doesn't want to travel so far for a one-week stay, so be it. Maybe your families can meet in some neutral location - like Switzerland. As to her parenting, short of a child's potential danger to herself or others, stay out of it!

Pass the secret

Q: A co-worker and I have been eating lunch in our cafeteria with two other colleagues for the last four years. We suspected they were dating; but they never said anything, so we never asked. Now we've learned from a reliable source that they got married last year! Still, we endure lunches where they hide their relationship and lie about their weekends. Can we tell them we know, or should we keep pretending?

Anonymous, New York

A: Your cafeteria sounds a lot like Match.com, where many daters are secretly married. At least these two aren't trying to trick you into sleeping with them.

Let's assume your office has no rules preventing employees from dating or marrying each other. (Some do.) Perhaps these secret spouses are trying to breathe a little life into their round-the-clock togetherness by pretending to be single (while still lunching together every day). Or maybe they've waited so long to tell you that it feels awkward to spill the beans. Who knows?

I'd let them have their fun - and eat their tuna sandwiches in wedded stealth. The lunches seem more light-hearted than confessional. But if their cover stories (a k a big fat lies) bother you, take one aside and say, "We know you tied the knot, but your secret is safe with us."

Don't spring it on them together. They may feel defensive and lie more, which would bode poorly for continued dining. If all else fails, try a spin on the Bible: What God hath joined together, let no corn chowder put asunder.

Happy birthday. It's me.

Q: My husband died two years ago, after 45 years of marriage. I'm just starting to crave companionship again. I've been thinking of a boy I knew years ago, before I was married, when we worked together at a summer resort. I had a huge crush on him. I've found him on the Internet, and I'd like to send him a birthday card. Will he think that's creepy?

Sue, West Hartford, Conn.

A: Not at all! He'll probably be touched by your thoughtfulness - and impressed by your memory. Just be careful to keep your romantic fantasies in check. Not every summer resort employee turns out to be Patrick Swayze - or every reunion a "Dirty Dancing" sequel.