New chapter begins

I was invited to a hospital caring for children saved from the Sichuan earthquake. They have had amputations and needed aid both physically and emotionally.

But what presents should I bring?

Those who invited us said the kids needed nothing. In fact, the children were almost buried in gifts. "All you need to bring is greetings and psychological help," we were told.

I insisted on bringing something. It will be June 1 on a festival the children had being longing for and I cannot visit the children empty-handed.

I thought of flowers. However, the children may not enjoy seeing the colorful flowers withering away. It might evoke pungent attacks of sadness. Also, the bouquets from across the country carry pollen and might trigger off allergies

My husband suggested I take a few of my autographed books.

"Who do you think I am?" I replied.

The youngest child is just 5 and hadn't entered school. The elder children are in middle school, and have had an arm or a leg amputated. In such a short time, how could they manage to turn over the pages with one hand?

"If you were young children, what would you want the most?" I asked.

"I'd want to play at will. It's a pity that they can't play now."

Who said one couldn't play on the hospital bed?

Let's get some toys!

We ran to many department stores in Beijing. Like two old children, we rubbed shoulders with juniors in the toy sections, asking one another about each toy. We finally found a grain of gold in the sand a safe, interesting and very unique toy.

Made of cotton flannel, it felt fluffy, close and safe. The children had been waiting desperately for rescue under the mountain of bricks, tiles and cement. They must be extremely afraid of anything cold and hard

On the back of the toy is a zip, covering a battery socket and a circuit. Fortunately, such devices are hidden in the chubby belly of the lovely toy. But thanks to such device, the fluffy toys can record sound and play it.

We felt like discovering a treasure trove. I said, I want this one, that one, also, the one over there

Back home, I prepared the recordings. Then I realized a vital mistake: I didn't even know the children's names. After picking up the phone, I saw how late at night it was so I decided to record a general greeting.

"Hello, little friend from Beichuan Middle School. Welcome to Beijing. Wish you a happy Children's Day."

If I had no time to ask for their names on the next day, I would have to play the recording this way. I must be prepared.

I held the toys and recorded many times. But my voice is so old, I decided to change my style and sound like a young cartoon character who leapt and jumped. In no time, my husband forced the door open, asking me with shocked concern:

"Bi Shumin, are you feeling all right?"

I paid no heed to him and focused on my work and finished at midnight.

On May 28, I arrived at the hospital very early. Good, nobody else was there and I had time to finish the plan.

I wrote the children's names on my palm, in case I said the wrong name. Hiding in a meeting room, I took out the toys from their beautiful bags and recorded again.

To the giant panda, I said: "Hello, little friend XXX. I'm also from Sichuan. I shall be your dear friend from now on. Happy Children's Day!"

I believe calling a person by name is very important. It reminds people of their striking mark of independence. It symbolizes dignity and expresses passionate expectations.

Even for a very young child, their name belongs only to him or her in this world. In Chinese ancient tradition, if a child suffered shock, parents would call the child's name repeatedly to find the lost soul.

I regretted I could not speak the Sichuan dialect. If the children heard the familiar tone, they would feel much warmer.

When I walked into the ward and saw the children for the first time, I thought I had been fully prepared for the cruel reality as I had been a military doctor of eight years and have a total medical experience of 20 years.

I told myself: "Bi Shumin, you cannot cry. For the benefit of the children, you must remain calm and composed.

"They need to see strength and hope from grownups. Any expression of fear shall not be forgiven"

But when I first saw them, I was so shocked and hurt. I had to summon up all my strength to maintain the lowest level of calm.

For a moment, I thought they were not real children lying on the bed, but instead some toys made of folded white satin. Only in the broken toys can we see such wreckage.

But they looked at us quietly. The light breathing proved the existence of resilient lives.

They are angels crunched mercilessly in the jaws of suffering; they are severed feathers pieced together by hands of kindness.

The untainted black eyes had seen the darkest abyss.

The bodies are as frail as paper and had gone through the cracking of the heaven and crumbling of the earth.

The limbs that will never return had withstood such grinding that pierced the heart and bones.

How many more stitches must these small thumping hearts endure before they could regain normality?

When I handed them the toys, their eyes shone. I held their small hands to let them press the toys. Their fingers were thin and delicate, like a broken chopstick.

When they heard the voice from the toys, their lips arched slightly.

When the toys called their names, the children's eyes opened wide with surprise. When the toys spoke the greetings, the children finally smiled, but without any sound.

I witnessed the slowest smile in my whole life. It was utterly fragile, like an egg of the emperor penguin that has gone through the prolonged hatching in the icy world, until a tiny forehead finally appeared through the shell.

The smile was also resilient. Once bursting into blossom, it will become splendid against all odds, carrying a fragrance no one can smother.

I hurried out of the ward, because I could not hold back the welling tears any more. It wasn't because of the wretchedness of their situation. It was over their strength.

Peking Union Medical Hospital's research fellow Yang Xia is in charge of the children's psychological therapy and said the children are doing well.

She recalled that when talking about the upcoming Children's Festival, one of the young girls began with: "We children will " she suddenly paused and rephrased it: "we disabled children will..."

What acceptance.

From 2:28 pm on May 12, when they were buried in the ruins, they had endured endless sufferings in the darkness - broken limbs, the deaths of classmates, the assaults of hunger, amputation, infection, wound, fever, bumpy ride ...

It has been a road laid with unrecognizable human remains.

But the little girl trekked across the road without her legs, leaving behind transparent, tiny footprints.

She has passed through stages of shock, fear, denial, anger, loneliness, depression and "acceptance".

How fast she walks, like a breeze in the open field, faster than any adults.

She will have repetitions and more hardships. But her smile tells us that all this will inch away, until a new chapter begins.

(China Daily 06/03/2008 page20)