Grandmom can be fun but only mom knows best
Grandparents can indulge their grandchildren but must be careful to avoid undermining the parents, say family counsellors. DPA |
In many families, the arrival of grandchildren is a dream-come-true. But it's not uncommon for the parents to be so deeply engaged in their careers that grandparents have to take over the job of raising the children.
Nearly one in three pre-school children in Germany is looked after for several hours daily by their grandparents, a study by the German youth institute shows.
"As in the past, there are too few kindergarten places," said Birgit Riedel of the youth institute. "Grandparents often jump in to fill the gap when the parents are working."
Families should be aware that when grandparents take on the caregiver role, problems are all but certain to arise. Family counsellors have some advice for people who make childcare arrangements with grandparents.
"The grandmother should listen to the mother or else there will be rows," said Sabine Hass of a family-counselling center in Aschersleben, Germany. The arrangement does not work without agreement ahead of time on any possible issues.
"Rules for meals, TV and playing outdoors should be clearly stated by the parents," Hass added. Grandparents should orientate themselves toward the parenting style of the parents, and consistent instructions are important. "A child recognizes very quickly what he is allowed to do with whom."
And as any parent knows, grandma and grandpa often interact differently with the children.
"Grandparents are often more relaxed and lenient than the parents on issues regarding a child's upbringing and they pay less attention to holding firm to rules," said professor Harald Uhlendorff, psychotherapist at the University of Potsdam. That holds risks.
Indulging grandchildren can be permissible, according to the experts, but on a smaller scale. "Parents respect leniency and indulgence from the grandparents as long as their authority is not undermined by it," said Uhlendorff.
Hass warns against allowing toys to pile up at the grandparents home so that the children have more there than at home. When the grandparents are involved in raising their grandchildren, they must be as consistent as they were raising their own kids.
Grandparents should think about whether they feel up to taking care of their grandchildren in the long term.
"Their physical health must be able to keep up with the child's need for physical activity," said Hass. "Children are very demanding and active."
Children test the rules with their grandparents exactly as they test them with their parents. Grandma may bend the rules by reading three bedtime stories instead of one for example, but rituals such as those established at mealtime should be upheld.
Grandparents do not have to give up all their authority to offer their grandchildren good care. Problems should be openly discussed, Hass advises. Both sides should proceed cautiously.
"Grandparents quickly feel they are being attacked," she said. It's crucial to recognize them as qualified helpers in day-to-day life. A sense of guilt, particularly expressed by the mother, can work against the arrangement. It should be made clear to the children that mother is still important.
DPA
(China Daily 03/28/2007 page19)
