Mixed blessings
Elizabeth Shoemaker, 31, a native of the United States, and her Chinese husband Alex Yeung, 34, base their marriage on values such as independence, communication and compromise. |
The benefits of a mixed relationship or marriage, say participants, include the excitement of learning about a different culture and the good mix that arises between partners with different temperaments.
But beyond the allure of the new and the different, common interest is what really counts.
Deep bonds
For Laura Clark, 44, and John Zhao, 42, a deep Christian faith and desire to build a loving home for seven handicapped and abandoned local children, as well as care for many others, has seen them through a marriage that has lasted 15 years.
"I met John when I was getting ready to adopt my second child," said Clark. "We were introduced through friends, but it was through his mother, who was helping me with the adoption of my second child, that I got to know him better."
Chinese girl Jojo Chan and French perfumer Bruno Lucas have been dating for four years. |
The daily schedule of married life cooking, housework, family issues "doesn't leave much time for romance", Clark admits. At times, overcoming cultural differences has posed challenges.
Clark, who speaks Mandarin, seems to have adapted more in the marriage, in which overcoming cultural differences is challenging.
Zhao comes from Xi'an in Northwest China's Shaanxi Province, and Clark, who hails from North Carolina, says her husband is the frugal one, "so when it comes to money, he will stress about saving, whereas I think convenience is important, especially with travel."
They sometimes differ over marital roles as well, she added.
"When we got married, he expected me to do all the housework. He also thinks he should make the big decisions how we run the family or where the children go to school. You could say we are both determined and stubborn, so neither of us wants to give in," she
American Laura Clark, 44, and Chinese John Zhao, 42, have been married for 15 years and have built a home for handicapped and homeless local children. |
To resolve disagreements, the couple allow for cooling-off periods until they can talk calmly, and also rely heavily on their religious faith, Clark said. "Through all the rough times, we always apologize whenever we've said harsh words to each other," she said.
Overcoming differences
Jojo Chan and Bruno Lucas, who have been dating for four years, say their strong independent streaks have ironically helped their relationship.
Lucas, 44, a French perfumer who works for a local Chinese firm, first met Chan, 25, a Guangdong native, at a friend's gathering. He was immediately attracted to her and she was taken with his worldly charm. But what has kept them together, she believes, is their constant banter and strong wills.
"If Bruno or I want to do something the other doesn't, we will just go ahead and do it, without waiting for the other," Chan said. "We also have a lot of play fights and tease each other a lot and that is interesting. I would find a quiet partner boring."
In this case, it is the Chinese partner who has adapted more.
Chan does not work and studies English part-time. The couple live in a Thai-style apartment as preferred by Lucas and eat Western or non-Chinese food more often than not. Chan admits she is more dependent on her partner.
"I'm a traditional girl and think the woman should take care of the man," she said. "I do all the cooking and housework."
But in return, she has expectations of being treated like "a lady". She wouldn't mind more flowers and gifts, for instance.
Chan tells the tale of a recent fight, which ensued when Bruno neglected to buy perfume she wanted to give to her girlfriend, leaving her embarrassed and upset.
"It made me lose face in front of my friend, so I ignored him for a week," Chan said.
The two sometimes have communication problems, since Bruno does not speak Mandarin and her English is still rudimentary. In addition, socializing can be difficult, since the couple don't have many mutual friends.
"I don't enjoy listening to French and he feels the same about Chinese, so we got out separately to meet our friends," Chan said.
They also have differing interests. "We can both be 'couch potatoes', but he likes sailing and I like playing mahjong, so he just goes without me," she said.
The couple usually resolve issues by leaving each other alone. After some time has gone by, they make up and resume talking.
Whether the two will marry or not remains unclear, with the relationship now entering its fifth year.
Baby coming
Elizabeth Shoemaker, 31, a native of the United States, and her Chinese husband Alex Yeung, 34, have found their formula for mutual appreciation, resting on faith, independence, communication and compromise.
"Alex and I are both Christians, so this helps," said Shoemaker. "But we have a lot of other things in common as well. We're both homebodies, we're close to our families and we respect each others' viewpoints."
They met through mutual friends over five years ago, were good friends for two years, and then realized there was more going on. Married for over a year now, the couple are expecting their first child in June.
Their roles are distinctly traditional: Yeung works in the food business, and Shoemaker is a homemaker. But neither partner seems to dominate culturally. They spend most evenings together as a couple, their apartment contains a mix of Chinese and Western elements and eating is a compromise of Western and Chinese tastes.
"Whenever we have a difference in habits or preferences, we are happy to let each other suit themselves, but we are always willing to give the other person's choice a try," said Shoemaker.
"We both have similar temperaments and believe in respecting each other's culture. I studied Mandarin for a year and Alex and his siblings speak fluent English and we always see things from each other's point of view."
The new baby will mean big adjustments, including a move to near where Alex's parents live, she said, and then cultural differences may become more apparent.
"Chinese in-laws, especially the mother, are more hands-on than Western families, including their ideas on how to take care of the child. I know Alex's mother doesn't want the baby to leave the house in the first month and will insist on feeding me herbal soup as well as having other ideas on what I should do."
But the couple will cope "because Alex and I support each other and leave each other to deal with our own families, and this seems to work".
(China Daily 03/16/2007 page20)
