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The Super Bowl survival guide
By Tym Glaser (China Daily)
Updated: 2010-02-05 14:44
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To the uninitiated, and that is most of we folk born outside of the US of A, the 'holiday' known as 'Super Bowl' is something of a mystery.
It is widely celebrated in that country, much like Christmas and Thanksgiving but, fortunately, during Super Bowl, you do not have the give out expensive gifts or kill ugly birds which say 'gobble-gobble'.
Now, if you have the misfortune to be invited to a Super Bowl party this coming Monday morning by an American friend, I have some tips that will help you blend in like a true little Yankee Doodle Dandy or, if you so desire, a Redneck.
Don't thank me, I'm a solution-orientated type of guy.
THE GAME
The Super Bowl game involves people in helmets running into each other and provides an interesting diversion between the TV ads. It's a little like a demolition derby without the cars, if you get my drift. In the States, they call it football but, aside from a guy called 'punter' and another called 'kicker', there is very little footing of the ball. When watching the game with your American friends just follow their leads and abuse the men dressed in the zebra suits at every given opportunity.
THE FOOD
Like most holidays in America, the Super Bowl has its own special dishes, which are simply heaven and beyond for fast-food junkies.
First, and most importantly, is the hot dog. This delight is basically a sausage in a bun. What actually comprises that sausage remains one of life's great mysteries and it's probably best left that way.
Canny Americans drown out the taste of said 'dog' by lathering it in mustard and/or ketchup (tomato sauce). Popcorn bathed in melted butter or any other heart-attack inducing condiment is another traditional festive feast. This is also a multi-purpose food as you can throw said popcorn at the TV and cause minimal damage. The nachos, first created at Tom's Bar and Diner in Pasadena, California, circa 1972, is a fine US dish which features corn chips swamped in cheese. Not the most complicated menu item ever invented but it can also feature salsa (why can't Americans ever just say tomato?), guacamole (the avocado pear, must they come up with a different word for everything?) and whatever else you'd like to throw on top of this 'cholesterolic' bonanza.
THE DRINKS
Beer must be drunk during the Super Bowl. No wine, no fancy cocktails, just beer. Unfortunately, the US in renowned as the worst beer-making country in the world. Here you can play on your naivety and carry a brew from your home country. Remember to protect your stash though because Americans don't like their own beer either.
THE HALFTIME SHOW
A mini-mini-mini concert which features a band or singer that was popular about the same time the radio was invented and people listened to music on gramophones. This year's act is The Who. Who? An elderly English band with an exceptional guitarist but you wouldn't want to hire him as a babysitter.
THE ADS
What the Super Bowl is all about. Major corporations spend millions and millions of dollars to get an ad on during the game because, well, just because, OK! Of course, these are not just any ads but ones that promote beer, fast-food and cars and are supposed to be incredibly funny. To our American friends they are the equivalent of The Goons, Monty Python and Fawlty Towers all rolled into one 30-second vignette. Laugh when your friends do at talking frogs and Clydesdales and you may just survive the Bowl holiday.
Tym Glaser is a sports copy editor who will take the Colts by 3 1/2 points over the 'Who Dat?' Saints. You can contact him at tymglaser@hotmail.com
