Torn apart

Proactive support

Elaine Chan Wai-ling, project supervisor at Grace Port, which is run by one of Hong Kong's largest charitable groups, Caritas - Hong Kong, says they prioritize reaching out to families in need of help, with more than 1,000 people having participated in counseling and various activities there last year.

The facility's social media pages have published touching stories of families that have suffered from miscarriage problems, as well as practical knowledge about mental and physical recovery following an abortion. Relevant posts have garnered over 200,000 views.

Comparing the number of people who actually seek help offline with those who silently search for advice online, Chan says many parents are still passive about soliciting help and prefer to endure the pain alone. She recalls that a mother had hidden the pain of losing her child for 14 years before seeking assistance.

Chan says hospitals and supporting organizations should proactively reach out to parents and guide them in aspects like burial arrangements for lost fetuses and enlighten them about what organizations are offering emotional aid.

Hospitals should also correct their approach to the problem of stillborn babies. "Some hospitals have refrigerated beds to allow parents to say farewell to their fetuses, ensuring utmost care in handling the remains. But, some parents are only allowed to do so in a hurry at the morgue," she says.

Chan says medical professionals should be aware of the psychological, familial and interpersonal challenges faced by parents who've suffered pregnancy loss, and Grace Port has been training its staff in offering guidelines to medics and telling them how to interact with families in need.

Grace Port, which has an office in Tsuen Wan in the New Territories, has also been organizing events to disseminate related information and knowledge to affected parents. Chan hopes that the taboo of miscarriage can be eliminated in society, and people shouldn't feel ashamed about discussing it, thus offering parents greater support and comfort.

Social worker Arnold Leung Tsz-tun set up an organization four years ago, dedicated to providing emotional succor for parents who've suffered from miscarriage — the first of its kind in the SAR. Having witnessed the growing awareness of the problem and backing for such parents over the years, he notes that inadequate resources and funding, coupled with weak public education on abortions, have failed to instill in the public a more positive attitude toward miscarriage.

Leung met parents who had endured such anguish for the first time in 2017. Despite having more than a decade's experience in grief counseling, he was shocked by a plea for help from a mother who had lost her fetus and had not realized that a vacuum remained in assistance for this vast, yet invisible group.

Within two years, Leung had given face-to-face advice on how to overcome emotions to some 40 couples, and has appeared frequently as a guest on radio programs. He has also published a book and co-authored others with some parents he had helped, trying to draw greater attention to the issue.

Long way to go

Four years on, Leung is happy seeing more organizations emerging in Hong Kong to lend a hand to couples affected by the trauma. However, raising funds remains the biggest obstacle, forcing his organization to put up the shutters for the time being.

Adding insult to injury, Leung says some experienced medical professionals lack respect for a fetus, viewing it as an “object”. He quoted a mother as having been told: “If you don’t want it, I can help you dispose of it.” Hong Kong, he says, has a long way to go in promoting people’s regard for stillborn children.

Cheuk’s mental health has stabilized, and she has shared her road to recovery on social media and received an overwhelming response from mothers who’ve suffered the same misfortune. They empathized with her feelings, showed encouragement, and thanked her for speaking up on their behalf. Cheuk was astonished by the sheer number of people who’ve suffered like herself, calling for more public resources to help those in need.

Having been involved in family services for more than 30 years, Chan says support from the community will have a profound effect on the well-being of families that are the cornerstone of society. She notes that many family conflicts, such as those related to marital relationships, sexual intimacy, connection with relatives-in-law, and educational concerns, originate from the unhealed pain of miscarriages.

As Hong Kong strives to lift its dismal childbirth rate, stakeholders should consider allocating more resources to restore couples’ courage in starting a new life. Such support will form a key piece of the puzzle.

Outside the pink building of the Home of Forever Love in Kwai Chung, where many miscarried fetuses are cremated and laid to rest, parents have left commemorative cards expressing love for their lost children. Many heartbroken parents tell their little loved ones that they will meet again in the future, inviting the angels to join the families at an appropriate time.

After enduring a second heartbreaking miscarriage, Tang and Cheuk, with the support of professional social workers, have regained the courage to rebuild their lives. In a few months, the sound of their newborn child’s cry will bring a hard-earned sense of joy and mark a new beginning for the family.

Contact the writer at amberwu@chinadailyhk.com