It's hard to say if a prude is born or made. But I
know for certain that I'd embraced my inner prude as early as 1977, when all the
cool kids were watching "Star Wars" and I was sitting in a darkened theater
watching "The Goodbye Girl."
For some reason I still don't understand, I ended up watching the movie
twice. And although I was too young to understand what was happening on screen
either time, I will never forget the sight of a nude Richard Dreyfuss sitting on
the bed, with only a guitar between Little Richard and me.
"I didn't need to see that," I thought. And I really didn't need to see it a
second time.
I am reminded of this as I endure the publicity for Sharon Stone's "Basic
Instinct 2."
Though I watched the original, I believe I am the only person in America to
have missed the fact that she wasn't wearing underwear during the infamous
interrogation scene. I guess it's that prude thing again. I look at faces when
people talk. And it goes without saying that I didn't need to see the sex kitten
or her, um, kitty.
Even a prude like me couldn't miss the fact that Stone will be "nude nude
nude naked" again in the sequel.
While on a Middle East peace tour, she actually said, "People just are
sitting there going '... does she get naked in the movie? Is she naked? Nude
nude nude naked... Do I see her boobies? I don't care what she's saying, I don't
care, I don't care, is she naked?' So let's just get through to that ...YES!"
She's taken a similar message from here to Israel to Berlin, explaining in so
many ways how easy it is for her to be naked. I get that. Underneath my clothes,
I'm totally all nude myself.
But what's easy for her to do on screen isn't necessarily easy for the rest
of us to watch from the seats. She told the Evening Standard, "I wanted to do
the nudity in a way that's quite brazen. I wanted her to be very masculine, like
a man in a steam room."
I don't think that means we can expect to see a porky Sharon Stone with back
hair and a limp towel around her neck, though.
As she put it, "I wanted the audience to have a moment where they realize
she's naked and then realize she's a 40-something woman and naked."
Because, as we all know, women older than 35 in America are not allowed to be
nude. That just gives hope to our enemies, the terrorists, who want us to scare
each other to death so they don't have to.
Lest I focus unfairly on Sharon Stone, who at least is trying to bring about
peace in the Middle East, here are 10 other movies featuring bits of nudity
that, frankly, I could have lived without.
"Alien" (1979)
I love Sigourney Weaver. She's beautiful, smart
(even went to Stanford, where she wrote for their humor magazine). In short, she
can be my gatekeeper any time. And in "Alien," which I was too young to see when
it came out in theaters, but enjoyed thoroughly on video, she was an
inspiration.
Except for her taste in underwear.
In the big reveal, she's fiddling with the controls on her spaceship while
wearing nothing but a beige tank top and a pair of underpants too short even to
be called briefs.
And although it's true that in space, no one can hear you scream, in a movie
theater, everyone can hear people laughing at your exposed crack.