Till death do us part

(China Daily)
Updated: 2009-11-07 10:32

Two lesbians take their wedding photos in Qianmen of Beijing earlier this year.

As 31-year-old Xiao Gong talks to his "girlfriend" about the prospect of them getting married, at a Starbucks in downtown Shanghai after work, few would suspect that he is gay and his partner a lesbian.

In modern Chinese cities like Shanghai, Guangzhou and Beijing, where straight girls often hold hands in public without causing heads to turn, such marriages of convenience are becoming increasingly trendy among the country's "lala" (lesbians) and "tongzhi" ('comrades'), as China's male gays jokingly refer to themselves.

A recent online survey by www.douban.com shows that 86 percent of the 307 participating homosexuals expressed interest in the idea of entering into a sham marriage, especially older men and younger women.

"I started to think about this two or three years ago, when my parents began bugging me about when I was going to give them a grandchild," said Gong, who, like all the people interviewed in this story, requested the use of a pseudonym.

"It's just a white lie to comfort them and other people in society. Basically, she and I are friends now, and we'll just role play being husband and wife when we go out together."

The marriages, which typically involve a ceremony and a fake registration license, are not legally binding, but are often difficult to distinguish from the real thing. Some couples also draw up complicated property rights in their marriage contract, go on a honeymoon together and move into the same apartment - at least temporarily.

Several have even produced babies by means of artificial insemination. The procedure costs less than 100,000 yuan ($14,650) in Shanghai, and the baby almost always stays with the mother.

"But no matter how close the relationship comes to approximating the real thing, the couples never have sex," said Gong.

Homosexuality was only decriminalized in China 12 years ago but was considered a mental disorder by the Chinese Psychiatric Association until 1991. Things have improved for the gay and lesbian community in recent years, but older generations remain a harder sell.

While Shanghai hosted the country's first gay pride festival in June, gay bars openly advertise in local listings magazines, and the city's leading Fudan University has run a course in gay studies since 2003, most parents couldn't care less.

Although concrete numbers are hard to calculate, China's gay population is estimated at anywhere between 13 million and 65 million, or 1 and 5 percent. Due to Chinese society's conservative and conformist nature, where the Confucian values of family hierarchy, obeying one's elders and bearing children are still treasured, those who come out of the closet often find themselves ostracized.

"For most gay men and lesbians in China, one of their biggest obstacles to coming out is this parental pressure to get married," added Gong, who is in his 30s and works for an international airline.

"I mean, if my father can't accept the idea of my brother getting divorced, he's not exactly going to be over the moon about the idea of his other son being into guys."

Not that marrying a lesbian is easy, he adds.

"I've been trying to be a good friend to her for about a year, but it's hard. I guess gay and lesbian groups are just not that 'into each other'," he said. "There's still a long way to go before our 'wedding'."

Meanwhile, critics rant that people like him are doing more harm than good by merely serving to reinforce the status quo.

"The whole idea of fake marriages will delay these marginalized social groups from earning the legal rights they are entitled to by another 10 years at least," said 23-year-old graduate Mu Lin. Mu, who does not hide his sexuality from his friends or colleagues but refuses to tell his parents, works for a media company.

"Some gays argue that, ethically, it's better to marry a lesbian, but, at the end of the day, it all boils down to the same thing. I mean, why should we have to compromise? What we need to do is change our environment into one that is more accepting," he said.

According to Zhang Mumu, a 32-year-old lesbian who finally introduced her parents to her girlfriend this year, it isn't gays who have the problem.

"It's the parents that need the help," she said, referring to the difficulties older Chinese have in coming to grips with the fact that, in view of the country's one-child policy, their bloodline may come to an end.

"We are getting to the point now in modern Chinese society where we are almost accepted by the public, but what we lack is the approval of mom and dad. However, they have no one to turn to, because they also may be cut off by friends and relatives when the news breaks. They really need support," said Zhang.

Psychologist Li Xinzhao said this might be a long time coming as bigotry in China runs deep.

"I remember one of our middle-aged psychologists telling a gay man who called for help that he should go and see a medical doctor," she said. "And we're supposed to be the ones who help."

Others look to China's distant past for validation, envisaging a return to a more liberal sexual climate in tandem with the country's resurgent economic might and cultural clout. They point to evidence of homosexuality being fashionable during the Song dynasty (960-1279) to bolster their argument that today's taboos are destined to be tomorrow's anachronisms.

Meanwhile, Wu Youjian, a woman who gained national recognition by publicly supporting her child's homosexuality in 2005, represents a beacon of light for the gay community. She set up a hotline for their relatives and friends in 2008 and travels the country giving university lectures and counseling parents on the issue.

Non-profit organizations such as Shanghai Nu'ai ('women-love') also reflect growing grassroots support for China's lesbians.

As China's gay movement marches forward, the clock continues to click down to the day when the country's queens earn the right to be treated like kings in their own homes again.