Look beyond the dazzle of foreigners

Many Chinese women in smaller cities are infatuated with western men they think are rich and agreeable

To have a foreign boyfriend or not may be a question for many Chinese girls, especially on occasions such as "Single's Day", which was Nov 11.

I have met many Chinese women besotted with foreigners. Most of them were in smaller cities where people have limited experience with foreigners. Such women find foreigners alluring - and by "foreigners", I mean Westerners primarily - for various reasons. But in large measure, Chinese women, again outside major cities, seem infatuated with Western men because they think Westerners are wealthier, more resourceful, plain-speaking and straightforward and, hence, easier to handle than "complex" Chinese men.

The idea that all, or even most, foreigners are wealthy is of course a fallacy. Everywhere in the world, most people struggle to make ends meet, and only a small minority are wealthy. While foreigners on short-term visits to China, or on an expatriate salary package, might appear wealthy, the majority of foreigners, whether they live in China or in their own countries, are like you and me: angst-ridden, burdened with problems, worried about mortgage and children's expenses and other costs that seem to keep rising. Yet the wider story is that some Western men's perceived sense of exaltedness drives them into losing their sense of proportion once they find themselves at the center of attention, perhaps for the first time in their adult life. Some of these men take to womanizing. I've seen such men regularly prowling through bars and clubs. Many of them visit China for "the adventure", unconstrained as they are by community reputation or bonds in an alien land, and once the novelty wears off, they flee leaving no trace of their deeds behind.

At the other end of the spectrum, some couples get into a relationship at lightning speed, glossing over the practicalities of family before committing to something more serious, including marriage. Such couples are intoxicated by the initial dazzle - the Western man may find a Chinese girlfriend more attractive and attentive than would be possible at home, and the Chinese woman may feel elated at finding someone whom she perceives as wealthy and propitiously uncomplicated. But beyond the dazzle, there exist cultural differences and different societal expectations.

Cross-cultural marriages are never easy, especially between people from cultures as far apart as China and the West; therefore, it's essential to adhere to realism and discuss the practical issues before marriage. My wife is Chinese. And although I made great efforts to assimilate in China, spending two years with my girlfriend before marrying her, there were too many misunderstandings between us in the first few years of our marriage. Even today, after many years together, we are still susceptible to moments of vexation caused by subtle differences in cultural ways of seeing.

It is not my intention to overemphasize the cultural and other differences. The point I want to make is that much of the hype about Western men and much of the dazzle and smugness that Western men may feel in China are based on misconceptions and escapism. Ultimately, none of us can escape from societal conditioning. Taking time to develop an awareness of the ethos of the place where you want to settle down, or the partner you are forging a relationship with, is key to a harmonious and fruitful interpersonal and community relationships. Given the right attitude, and the willingness to be patient, flexible and understanding in China, it's possible to make lifelong friends or forge a family that would have a unique cross-cultural flourish.

The author is a freelance writer that specializes in culture, travel, and lifestyle. The views do not necessarily reflect those of China Daily.

(China Daily Africa Weekly 11/14/2014 page13)