The Santa Files: Transparency from the North Pole

Festivities? Bah, humbug! Balderdash! Of course he exists. Nonsense to even suggest otherwise. I have spent the last few weeks in a secret location in northern Europe. I actually met him, but I was sworn to secrecy and cannot divulge the exact whereabouts.

I would like to say I interviewed him, but when I asked questions, he only said "Ho, ho, ho!"

However, his public relations department, probably the world's best, were able to answer the questions I had prepared.

I live alone. I am very happy. But I heard that someone could call on the night of Dec 24. How do I avoid it?

Lock your doors, close your windows and go to bed early. Avoid children.

I am insured for break-ins. Can I file a claim on Dec 26?

Yes, it's called the Santa clause of your insurance policy.

My children are determined to stay up and see our mystery guest. What can I do?

Make sure that you take them for long walks on the 24th and keep them up until, say, 11 pm. Then they should be tired. If this fails, arrange for a neighbor to come in and distract them. It always works. No child has ever really seen the mystery guest, though some say they have.

Look, this is ridiculous. He has reindeer and has to battle the Third Ring Road traffic. He can't possibly make it.

He always makes it, sometimes a bit late, but he always makes it.

But the numbers involved… impossible!

Not at all－the modern world, smartphones, internet of things－he can make all his house calls. His sleigh is nuclear-powered for when the reindeer feel tired. He arrives in Beijing at the new airport about 8 pm on Dec 24. Staff there give him a hot cup of tea, and then he goes about his business (once cleared by air traffic control, of course.) He starts in north Beijing, then east, west and south, back to the new airport and then he's off again.

Has he ever failed?

Once, one of the reindeer got sick. But a new one was called in. Don't forget he has a year to make plans.

I think I saw him once. I am now in my 50s but when I was 6, I think I saw Santa.

I'm looking at the records and there was what we call a bad run. This happened in the mid-60s. Very bad weather and some of the presents got mixed up. There was hell to pay, but even then every home was visited. Yes, it could have been on that bad night that you saw him when he was running late. He may have been a bit sloppy.

Is it too late to make a request?

It is never too late.

Is there anything Santa cannot deliver?

Well, a functioning Airbus A380 may be a bit big, but generally he can provide all the presents that he has been told about.

Are you sure?

Well, I think so. Sometimes there may be a bit of confusion, but generally, within reason, he can do it.

Does he like his job?

He loves it.

Does he get presents?

Delivering them is his reward.

How old is he?

A bit older than grandpa.

But he's been doing it for ages.

Yes, but he takes very good care of himself.

What does he do after he has delivered all the presents?

He takes a long vacation to somewhere warm.

Does he like to have a cup of tea when he drops the presents off?

Yes, this is important. Children should leave a cookie and a glass of water or cup of tea near the window. It is thirsty work and he really appreciates this. It is vital that they inform their parents that this is for Santa, otherwise it might be removed. It is also crucial that children are asleep when he calls. He will not call if children are awake, which is why no one has ever officially seen him.

Hope this answers most of your questions. Now, get ready for Santa. Merry Christmas!