A not-so-modest proposal

Just say yes to this primer on various ways to pop the ultimate question

Making the decision to get hitched is one of the biggest decisions you can make - a magic door to your new life as a husband or wife.

So, you should probably take care with how you knock on the door. You don't want to knock too softly and you certainly don't want to go barging through. The goal of a proposal is one word: "yes”, and if you really want to get it, you're going to need more than the obligatory ring and a fancy candlelit dinner. You're going to need some words to go along with it.

There isn't a standard template for a proposal. Your little speech can be romantic or realistic, dramatic or calm, serious or humorous. As Deng Xiaoping said: "It doesn't matter whether the cat is black or white, as long as it catches mice.”

The bossy-boss (霸道总裁，bàdào zǒngcái) style is definitely one of the most popular types of proposal nowadays. For this, we can blame popular TV romances aimed at women, featuring the ideal that the man should be powerful, masculine and a little bit of a control freak. Toughness is the new sexy and a nonnegotiable proposal represents, for some ungodly reason, deep and sincere love.

The bossy-boss: Listen to me. I will say this only once and won't take no for an answer.

Tīng hǎo le, wǒ zhǐ shuō yí cì. Nǐ bù xǔ shuō bù.

听好了, 我只说一次。你不许说不。

Woman: What?

Shénme shì?

什么事？

B: I want to marry you.

Wǒ yào qǔ nǐ.

我要娶你。

W: Uh…

E……

呃……

B: Do you need to consider that long to say yes?

Xūyào kǎolǜ nàme jiǔ ma?

需要考虑那么久吗？

A bossy-boss shows confidence, so using imperative sentence structure is, well, imperative. And remember: never wait for the answer. Honestly, it's a risky move, because if you propose to someone like a mob boss looking for protection money, there's always the chance she might just say "no” and walk away. There's not a whole lot of wiggle room afterward.

The 暖男 (nuǎn nán), or sunshine man, is another type: gentle, sweet, always know their way into your heart. They think about you all the time and know everything about you. As such, their proposal style features, inevitably, a promise to take care of you forever. Much like an evangelical preacher, they usually start off with a statement that they are the only ones who truly understand you. For example:

You are struggling in this city, renting a small apartment, working hard. I know it isn't easy.

Nǐ yíge rén zài zhè zuò chéngshì lǐ fèndòu, zūzhe xiǎo fángzi, gōngzuò yě hěn xīnkǔ. Wǒ zhīdào zhè bìng bù róngyì.

你一个人在这座城市里奋斗，租着小房子，工作也很辛苦。我知道这并不容易。

Please let me take care of you in the future. I can make you happy. Will you marry me?

Zài wèilái qǐng ràng wǒ zhàogù nǐ ba. Wǒ néng gěi nǐ xìngfú. Jià gěi wǒ hǎo ma?

在未来请让我照顾你吧。我能给你幸福。嫁给我好吗？

But, to be honest, that sort of cloying emotion is enough to make some want to reach for a barf bag. So, when it comes to the 文艺青年(wényì qīngnián), or artsy youth, being a sweetheart isn't good enough. Their proposal is all about the spiritual world - the soul, destiny, the completion of life itself. If you're waiting on a proposal from this sort, get ready for some famous quotes.

People say "marriage is the tomb of love”. But if I could take you with me, I would go there without hesitation.

Rénmen dōu shuō:"Hūnyīn shì àiqíng de fénmù”. Dànshì rúguǒ néng hé nǐ zàiyìqǐ, wǒ huì háo bù yóuyù de zǒu jìn qù.

人们都说 ，婚姻是"爱情的坟墓"。但是如果能和你在一起，我会毫不犹豫地走进去。

For some, that sort of thing is romantic; others, well, prefer their suitor eschew the dead body metaphors altogether.

You can't expect such a poetic presentation from everyone. Like being traded for cattle and land rights in the past, marriage can be political and economic. In this variation, the suitor may just have breakfast with his girlfriend as usual, and make the offer naturally, just like talking about the weather.

Man: Maybe we should get married. Then, we can have breakfast together every day.

Huòxǔ wǒmen yīnggāi jiéhūn. Nà yàng de huà, wǒmen jiù kěyǐ měitiān yìqǐ chī zǎocān le.

或许我们应该结婚。那样的话，我们就可以每天一起吃早餐了。

Woman: What?

Shénme?

什么？

Man: I said we should get married. You see, you rent an apartment and I rent another one. If we get married, we can live together and save half of the money.

Wǒ shuō wǒmen yīnggāi jiéhūn. Nǐ kàn, xiànzài nǐ zū yījiān gōngyù, wǒ yě zū yījiān. Rúguǒ wǒmen jiéhūn le, wǒmen jiù kěyǐ zhù zài yìqǐ, shěngxià yí bàn de qián.

我说我们应该结婚。你看，现在你租一间公寓，我也租一间。如果我们结婚了，我们就可以住在一起，省下一半的钱。

This style is extremely risky. First of all, you need to make sure that she knows you're joking (note: you should be joking). You should also know for sure whether or not she's the type of girl who really wants a ring, flowers, all that nonsense and, most importantly, how much money you can get out of subleasing that extra apartment.

Some women can stay strong:

Woman: Can you give me some time? I feel happy to live alone.

Gěi wǒ yīdiǎnr shíjiān kǎolǜ hǎoma? Yígè rén zhù hén shūfú.

给我一点儿时间考虑好吗？一个人住很舒服。

Whether you come at your beloved with a ballsy business pitch, a bullying betrothal, or the boisterous call of the besotted, be prepared to get an answer you don't want.

Courtesy of The World of Chinese, www.theworldofchinese.com

The World of Chinese

(China Daily Africa Weekly 06/24/2016 page23)