Soft or tough, handle with care

When it comes to talking to youngsters, there may not be one good way that fits every situation. Cheering on is good, brutal honesty may also be necessary, but humor is always a good solution

Conventional wisdom has it that Westerners are often straightforward while Chinese tend to beat around the bush. But conventional wisdom, being what it is, can generalize to the point of blurring cultural niceties. From what I can see, speaking your mind can be difficult in most situations regardless of the culture.

In a hierarchical society, it usually takes more skill from someone on a lower level to address someone higher up than the other way around. Even so, managers at various levels have learned to be positive and say, "You can do it better next time" rather than "You did terribly this time". Someone who is too blunt can hurt more than help things and, in a business environment, can cause extreme unpleasantness or even legal troubles.

Now, let's narrow our focus to the interactions of teachers or parents and the youngsters they need to educate. How direct can one in a position of such authority be while addressing someone under his or her care?

Xu Qunyi adopted an unconventional approach and ruffled quite a few feathers. The administrator of a Wuxi high school admonished his students at a recent flag-raising ceremony: "Your family is not rich and you still don't want to study? You don't have any background and you still don't want to study? You don't possess great looks and you still don't want to study? You're not smart and you still don't want to study? If you don't study, you won't be able to afford a ticket to see the stars you're chasing, or buy the food they taste in their hit shows."

Generally, a person in Xu's position would say, "If you study you'll be able to achieve success and success will bring you the kind of lifestyle you desire", and go on to list some of those things most popular with the students. Obviously, those kind of warm and fuzzy words have been repeated numerous times and have lost their efficacy. So, Xu rephrased them as a warning or taunting and, judging from online feedback, it worked. Many were indignant at what they perceived to be insensitivity.

Sensitivity is a prerequisite for educators, but extreme sensitivity could be a way of shirking responsibility. The Chinese tradition has always been criticized for being too tough on children - criticized by Chinese more than by those who learned of the Chinese way through the Tiger Mom story. And it is certainly true that, pushed to extremes, the Chinese way of talking down would deprive children of the fun of learning and be so negative that it casts a long shadow over the future life of the young.

I guess it probably took a long time for many Chinese teachers and parents to change attitude and master the method of encouragement. And it does work on many kids, or rather, in many situations. But not all kids or all situations. For some youngsters, when you say, "Be all you can be", they'll interpret it as "OK, then I'll be a drug addict".

I'm exaggerating, but not by much. Faced with the enormous pressure from mass entertainment and the values of materialism it embodies, teachers and parents will sound tame with their rhetoric of idealism. Xu's strategy, it seems to me, is to adopt the youngsters' perspective (and examples they are familiar with) and turn it on its head.

Sure, it's not the best strategy, but I won't blame him because, as a parent, I've been in similar desperation. Now there are parenting guides galore and I browse through them and start with the nice way and, when I exhaust all possibilities, have tried harsh words or threats as well. Fortunately my daughters have not reached the rebellious age yet and, honestly, I won't know what to do if they act like some of the teenagers who simply shut down their response system to anyone other than their peers.

I believe it is normal to go through growing pains, and adults have to learn to deal with them just as adolescents do. But if your kids are addicted to soap operas or video games, or worse, to more dangerous games such as joining a gang or drug taking, a pep talk with uplifting messages will not work. Not even tough love or growling. You may analyze all you want the early mistakes made by parents or teachers, but when it comes to that stage, of which I have witnessed quite a few cases, there is a sense of finality and despair.

Now I don't have any statistics. But from what I can observe, many Chinese, in their unhappiness with the traditional Chinese way, have exaggerated the American approach to parenting and education. Yes, American kids don't have to show the level of obedience to authorities as Chinese do, but by no means can they do whatever they want. I've seen how the bedtime rules are rigorously enforced in several middle-class families in my American circle. Over here in China, it seems much more difficult to make it happen. We have vaulted from too much discipline to too little in just one generation.

A US president advocated a policy called "No child left behind". In a system of free competition, that is technically impossible. What a society should do is make sure those who want to advance are given fair opportunities. Just as there are children who are self-galvanizing and need no inculcation, there are those no amount of persuasion can affect. If they are determined to stay behind, either by choice or by influence, a teacher or parent can do little, especially when that kid reaches the legal age of an adult.

A family tragedy in Beijing may spotlight the need for parents to let go. A 13-year-old girl was obsessed with celebrities and totally ignored her schoolwork. Last November, tensions escalated when the daughter, tired of her father's admonitions, blurted out that the stars are more important to her than her parents, and her father, in a fit of lunacy, struck her with a knife, which turned out to be fatal.

Admittedly the girl's problems were not singular but representative of the celebrity culture pervasive in today's society. More importantly, they are at worst self-destructive and do not pose a threat to others. But if they are, say, turning youngsters into habitual thieves, what should a parent do? Wait for the juvenile detention system to take over? There must be a point when "You're the best!" becomes merely a manifestation of delusion.

Every society has such problems but China faces a special dilemma because the current generation of youths is the first to come of age in a time of unprecedented prosperity. With the struggle for survival no longer an issue, young people have more choices and some will inevitably lose themselves in the maze of too many choices, some unsavory.

To end on a positive note, I'll recount the story of Li, an attendant at a college dormitory in Henan province. After witnessing some youngsters wasting their time sleeping all day or endlessly playing computer games, she posted a humorous open letter in the corridor: "Summer is here. It's bright outside. Your schoolmates are out in the library or on the basketball court. But you're under your blanket sleeping or playing games. The good days will not last forever. It's easy to graduate but not easy to find good jobs. Wake up!"

Well, I did not do justice in my translation because she incorporated many memes into her letter, turning it into something like a tease. I don't know how well it changed the behavior of those she saw as squandering their youth, but it went viral and became an exemplar of how to communicate with today's young.

The writer is editor-at-large of China Daily. Contact him at raymondzhou@chinadaily.com.cn

(China Daily Africa Weekly 04/25/2014 page30)