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View from the East

By Tym Glaser (China Daily)
Updated: 2011-05-31 07:41

Oh, man, just stab me in the eyes with a sharp, pointy stick, or rip out my dormant wisdom teeth with a screwdriver and pliers.

None of that could possibly be worse than the fate which is about to befall us now - this contrived Miami Heat team winning the NBA championship.

Sorry to all of you basketball purists out there, but the new Two and a Half Men show is simply too much for Dirk (from Germany, oh yeah!) and his happy band of Mavericks to handle; and too much for me to stomach (I feel the bile rising in my mouth now).

This Frankenstinian monster, comprising LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and elements of Chris Bosh, is just too talented to lose; and it brings back all our worst fears from when that trio decided to get together and then shove it down our throats.

Miami has set the benchmark for team-by-collusion.

You could argue my 1,457-year-old Celtics started the trend in 2007 when they recruited the best shooter since Jesse James, Ray Allen, and then cajoled Kevin Garnett out of Minnesota and into green to join Paul Pierce in Beantown, but that was nothing like the 'Miami Heist'.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to play with your mates. There's nothing wrong with wanting to win a championship. There's everything wrong with flaunting it before a ball is even bounced in mild anger.

That's why I hate this Heat unit, but I still have to respect it as it is probably the strongest Big Three to take the court since Magic, Kareem and Worthy (oh that bile is rising fast now) or Bird, Parish and McHale (feeling much better, thanks).

Dirk (from Germany, oh yeah! - sorry can't get that Mike and Mike song out of my head) Nowitzki and Jason Kidd deserve a title, but outside of those two Hall-of-Fame locks, there's little to like about the Mavs, unless you're a geek freak and into Mark Cuban.

Jason Terry is more annoying than your two-year-old nephew and while Tyson Chandler and Brendan Hayward can give you defense, that's only half the game.

J.J. Barea, a star guard in the making, Shawn Marion and Peja Stojakovic will have their moments during the series, but when two of the best five players in the league are on the same team, who you gonna call? Heatbusters?

Wade and James are too two-way to contain and if Bosh can hold Dirk to about 40 a game, this gig should be done in five.

Get those screwdrivers, pliers and sharp, pointy objects ready now.

Tym Glaser is a sports copy editor who believes the Celts have one more title run left in 'em. He can be contacted at tymglaser@hotmail.com

(China Daily 05/31/2011 page22)