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From the green caps

By Tym Glaser (China Daily)
Updated: 2011-01-10 08:08
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From the green caps

The horror, the horror.

Like Colonel Kurtz, I am in a very dark place now.

The apocalypse is not nigh, it has happened England beat Australia in that fine island called Oz for the first time in nearly a quarter of a century.

I try to be a glass-half-full kinda guy, but I would not be surprised if the sun doesn't rise tomorrow, if Brangelina stop adopting kids and if someone actually comes out and explains what is so special about women called Kardashian!

As I gently stab myself in the gut with the biggest knife I can find, I must first congratulate England (grrr, agghh) on a thoroughly deserved victory in which it outclassed (ouch so much blood!) its host in every facet of the game.

Captain James Cook "discovered" Australia and a future captain Cook (Alastair) did his best to bring it to ruin by piling up runs like they were going out of fashion.

FEC Cook was the obvious man of the series but, for me, it was James Anderson who is, along with Sith Afreeca's Dale Steyn, the best fast bowler in the world and reduced the Aussie batsmen to rubble with his pace and swing.

Australia, humbled by the enemy like never before, has been in a similar dark cave; remember in the mid-'80s when it was the world's whipping boy thanks to the aftershocks of the WSC and retirements of guys called Lillee, Marsh and Chappell.

The bounce back, in cricket terms, was relatively swift and led to a fine run of Australian cricket dominance. Allan Border steered us to victory at the World Cup in 1986-87 and a crop of youngsters including David Boon, Steve Waugh, Geoff Marsh and Craig McDermott formed the nucleus of a team that ultimately became legendary with the arrivals of a cluster of all-time greats in Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath, Matthew Hayden and Adam Gilchrist.

Ouch! (kids don't run with scissors or sharp knives). I don't see any cricket magicians in the Sheffield Shield right now to resurrect the Test side, but changes have to be made - after the fast-approaching World Cup.

Imaginary Cricket Australia (CA) guru Tym sacks the selectors, except Greg Chappell. Also waving goodbye would be coach Tim Neilsen, captain Ricky Ponting, vice-captain Michael Clarke and, somewhat unfortunately, the aging Michael Hussey. This CA boss also sends Mitchell Johnson, Ben Hilfenhaus and Phil Hughes back to domestic cricket and tells them to get it right or get out.

This wizard opts to build the side around the (temporary) leadership of Brad Haddin along with Shane Watson, Steve Smith, Usman Khawaja, South Aussie bat Callum Ferguson, Cameron White (captain in waiting) and promising quick Mitchell Starc.

I shall now go back to my dark place and wait in vain until the next Ashes series (OUCH!!).

Tym Glaser is a sports copy editor who no longer likes cricket. He can be contacted at

(China Daily 01/10/2011 page23)