What it's like to date a beijing dude
Marjorie Perry
In commemoration of our one-year anniversary, it seemed fitting to reflect on the journey of dating a local Beijinger.
The challenges of pursuing a romantic relationship across the cultural divide
In commemoration of our one-year anniversary, it seemed fitting to reflect on the journey of dating a local Beijinger. Like any inter-cultural/inter-racial relationship, we have had our fair share of miscommunications and misunderstandings - while also putting forth our best efforts to make accommodations for each other's cultural backgrounds and personal quirks.
Throughout the course of my dating GL, he and I have heard comments that my he is "lihai" for having a foreign girlfriend and conversely I am "cool" for dating an Asian guy. Sweeping these superficial observations aside, I'm here to tell you what it is like to be living in China and dating someone who happens to be (surprise!) Chinese.
Let's start with the tough stuff - in short, the areas where I have found there to be the greatest cultural gaps. Those are 1) breakfast and 2) family obligation (filial piety sounds too corny).
No, I will not be having noodles for breakfast
Food is cultural experience. The land where our ancestors lived was suitable for some crops, and not hospitable to others; our mothers fed us particular foods as we grew up, and the chemistry of our digestion has come to expect these select flavors at different times of day. However you care to explain it, humans just want to eat what they have come to know.
Prior to coming to China, I had not considered myself a picky eater, but now I embrace being perceived as "picky" as a regular experience. The fact that my eating habits are something that is observed and commented on by others is one of my least favorite things about living in China.
As an example, every day like clockwork, I have cereal with banana slices and milk at my desk while I read the news. My colleagues call me mai pian (wheat flakes) in recognition of my consistency. Why do I have the same thing every day? Because it is delicious and I am used to it.
This kind of steadfast adherence to eating a particular food at a particular time of day has baffled my boyfriend. He insists that "any kind of food can be eaten at any point during the day" and believes he can enlighten me to this fact. To my ears and stomach, this idea seems blasphemous and just downright wrong.
While he is generally able to adhere this, I have seen him balk and get a little picky about his food, but only when we have been outside of China. We were in the United States once and I had picked out an old-fashioned Americana cafe for breakfast. Pancakes, scrambled eggs, orange juice - I was in culinary heaven! Perhaps he was feeling tired that day, or we had been away from Beijing for too long, but he just wasn't feeling it. Noodles, long and thin, was what he really wanted.
Needless to say, we had an early lunch that day. When you are spending a lot of time with a person, you inevitably end up eating most meals together. Thankfully oftentimes we can find things that we both like, but there are still misses.
Sometimes he has a taste for something that I don't eat, like shrimp or pig feet or sea cucumber, and I can tell he is disappointed we can't share this (or at least disappointed he can't order it). It is a small thing, but over time it's best if we can share in all of life's joys, large and small.
Hopefully in the future we can continue to try new dishes, and find more food that we both enjoy.
Why do we have to eat Sunday lunch with your parents .... every .... single.... weekend ....
My family is super awesome. I enjoy spending time with them, keeping up to date on what is happening in their lives, and encouraging them in all their goals. If I lived in the same place as them, I'd go see them often. For these reasons, I perceive myself as a relatively 'family-oriented' person. Thus, something I really appreciate about dating a local is the opportunity to feel like I am connected with a family here in Beijing.
Lately however I am finding that "going home" every weekend to eat lunch with GL's parents has started to wear on me, just a little. Perhaps if it were a more enjoyable experience, I would be more willing to go. Inevitably though, there is always some arguing. GL does adore his parents, I am sure that they are the most important people to him, but the three of them just have a certain way of interacting that repeats itself every time we get together.
It goes something like this: when we meet with GL's parents, his dad tries to give him some advice - about investing, about new government policies, about taking care of his health, about being a good boyfriend (I'm not making this up). Then his mom complains about something - about getting old, about her cell phone not working, about not having an appetite; or she worries about something that drives others crazy, like she doesn't want to take off her hat as she is afraid she will lose it.
GL then gets frustrated at this constant nagging, as does his dad. Annoyed, the two of them try to convince Aunty to calm down and stop complaining. She resists because she can't calm down, and then someone gets frustrated and angry. Things quiet down and we continue eating; but after a couple minutes, the cycle will start again.
Yet, despite the fact that the experience of eating with GL's parents will likely not be that enjoyable, we continue to go ... every ... single ...weekend. Why? It must be due to GL's sense of familial obligation to them. And I empathize with the guy, having to take care of his parents, who sometimes don't get along with each other, and can have a lot of needs.
My impression is that there is a greater sense of obligation among the Chinese family. It may be the stereotypical American in me, but I don't like the idea of such an obligation. In my mind I don't have an obligation to my family. Instead, I volunteer myself to help them, and make myself available to serve them in any way I can. There is a distinction here - in one context there is a sense of responsibility which obligates the son serve his parents; in another, there is a sense of love and gratitude which allows the daughter to serve her parents.
Conclusion
Getting to know my boyfriend, and spending time with him over the past year has been a great experience. We have built a mutually supportive relationship which has added a lot of fun and value to both of our lives. From the broader perspective of living abroad and dating a local resident, being in this relationship has allowed me to feel like I am more connected to the environment. It has also tried our ability to be patient when we come across eating habits or interactions with family that are different from our own.
Marjorie is an American woman who has lived in China for three years, and has been dating a local Beijinger for the past year.
