A survey by the online radio station "Voices of Youth (VOY)" of the Hong Kong Committee for UNICEF (HKCU) and "UNICEF Young Envoys" found that verbal violence and "emotional maltreatment" of children are quite common in Hong Kong.

Parents complain about the misbehavior of their children and worry about them - often for good reasons. Raising children is not easy. It is financially burdensome and emotionally testing. Given the huge sacrifices that parents have made for their children, parents generally would expect that their children should at least be grateful.

But children often disappoint, and they disappoint not only because they often are not grateful, but also because they often do not seem to try to do what appears to be their duty. Instead, they chat on the phone too much; play on-line games and electronic games far too long; and they also make a mess of the place and seldom clean up after themselves. For all these reasons, parents are often full of anger. And anger breeds abuse.

The problem is that many parents are unaware that they are abusive when they use language that hurts. They think that under the circumstances being angry is natural, and scolding them loudly is natural and therefore acceptable. They think that their children are hurting them, and are frustrated that while they try very hard to turn their children's behavior around, they apparently are being pushed further and further away from them.

The sad thing is that many parents are at the same time overly protective. From an early age they never ask their children to do any housework. They never ask "because their children only make a mess and would not get the job done the way it should be," "because the broom and the mops are too dirty," "because it is the housemaid's job," "because they already have too much homework to do," and "because they do not want to do the work," etc, etc.

According to the report, which was released last week, "70 percent of student respondents state that parents 'scold you loudly when you make mistakes' to a different extent every month. Over 65 percent of them point out that parents 'make comparisons of you with others' and 'quarrel with family members in front of you' at least once a month. Half of the student respondents state that parents have scolded them using insulting language, used foul language in front of them and thrown away their personal belongings without noticing them. What's more, more than 10 percent of student respondents point out that parents use foul languages, make comparisons of them with others and scold them loudly more than 10 times a month."

What would you expect their children to do, when parents behave in this way? Certainly they will be pushed away from their parents: and rather than loving them , they are more likely to loathe their parents!

Over this past weekend I wrote the following. Let me share this with readers:

I used to take my mom's care for me for granted,

I never thought of her as my benefactor and so felt grateful for her,

Until one day she got terribly sick,

And I learnt to worry about losing her.

I had the opportunity of doing even a little of the work that my mom did for me,

And then I realized what sacrifice she had made,

And realized what love meant.

And learnt to be grateful.

I had the opportunity to be a parent myself,

And for the first time I experienced how it was like to be a parent,

And then I wept,

Realizing for the first time what love my mom had for me.

If I never had the opportunity of knowing that I could lose her...

If I never had known what suffering she had gone through for my sake...

I probably would have continued to take her for granted.

Who would be grateful for having the air that he breathed, if he thought the air would be there forever?

How unwise it is then, for parents to never ask their children do the work that they had done for them!

How even more unwise it is for some parents to complain that their children don't care for them!

The complaining will only make themselves into a bother, perhaps even an object of hate.

So parents, with a smile and gentleness,

Ask your children to share some of the housework,

And do so as soon as they are physically able to.

Don't worry that the work isn't done well, only thank them for their effort!

When you are sick or ill, tired or blue,

Tell them that you are not well.

Never hide your joy or sorrow.

Share them, for sharing is how one learns to love!

So parents, forgive your children for their mistakes, show them or otherwise guide them to do better, commend them for their effort (never mind the results!), offer them support when they are down, share with them any delight that you find in life, and above all, set a good example to them.

The author is director of the Centre for Public Policy Studies, Lingnan University.

(HK Edition 07/05/2011 page3)