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Couples of single-child families frown upon holiday
(Shanghai Star)
Updated: 2005-02-06 16:02
For the whole family to sit together around the table and enjoy a sumptuous
reunion dinner is the most important part of any Lunar New Year's Eve in China.
But for many Chinese young people, this most celebrated dinner of the year
has become a hard source of contention. All because they have married.
"Both my wife and I are the only child of our two families, so the question
of where to go for the reunion dinner on New Year's Eve has never ceased being a
major headache for us during these days leading up to the festival," said Li
Jun, a young white collar worker from East China's Shandong Province. Li's wife
is a Hunan native.
Working in Shanghai, both have few chances to see their parents during the
rest of the year, so the New Year's Eve Dinner means a lot to both of them, and
to their families. No one wants to leave their old parents alone on this night,
when reunion is expected.
"For the past two years, she has come with me to my family in accordance with
Chinese tradition. This year, however, she has insisted on going to her own
family for the New Year's Eve dinner," Li said. "I can quite understand that,
but I don't know how to raise it with my parents."
After more than 20 years of the one-child policy, the country's first
generation of only children have entered the age of marriage. The problem of
deciding where to go for Lunar New Year's Eve, although never a major concern
for their ancestors, is perplexing to young couples today.
"China's traditional thinking has been that women, after marriage, belong
totally to their husbands' families, so in the old times, there was no room for
discussion about this question, the New Year's Eve dinner was always with the
husband's family," said Professor Gu Jun of Shanghai University.
Modern dilemma
But such thought is gradually fading with gender equality being more accepted
by Chinese and with most couples now having their own houses after marriage,
instead of living together with the husbands' parents.
Furthermore, the one child policy means that the old tradition of celebrating
the Eve with the husband’s family is being challenged in an unprecedented way.
Recently, the discussion about where to go for the reunion dinner has become
a hot topic on bulletin boards. At Sohu.com, one of the country's most popular
portals, a discussion relating to this dilemma has already accumulated five
pages of responses.
"My practice is that I go to my family while my husband goes to his family
for the dinner," said one netizen on the BBS.
Out of the same concern for fairness, some netizens raised the possibility of
taking turns to visit each family for the annual holiday.
Another quite frequently mentioned alternative is that of staging a big
reunion on the Eve by inviting both sets of parents together.
A netizen who identified himself as Happy Everyday, said that he would invite
both families to their newly purchased house for the reunion dinner.
"While ensuring neither side is left alone, this idea also provides a good
opportunity for both families to communicate with each other," he said.
A variant on this involves reserving a table at a restaurant where both sets
of parents can meet with the young couple to spend New Year's Eve together.
The most considerate couples may well be those who go to the exceptional
trouble of dividing the evening into two halves, first dining with the husband's
family and later with the wife's family.
Li Mei, a doctor in Shanghai, did just that for last year's Lunar New Year’s
Eve.
"My husband and I spent most of the time abroad last year, so when we
returned at the end of the year, both sets of parents thought we would join them
for Lunar New Year's Eve and had undertaken preparations to receive us," she
said when interviewed by Shanghai Morning Post.
“In order not to hurt either side, we finally decided to go to both families
on the Eve. We started the dinner with his parents early in the afternoon and
left at around 5:30 pm, and then went to my family to eat the second half.?
Even a week before this year’s Lunar New Year Eve, Li had already received a
telephone call from her mother asking whether they should copy last year’s
pattern.
“Neither side would force us to go to have the reunion dinner with them, but
the thought of not disappointing either side drove us into a dilemma,?Li said.
Considerate parents
Is it necessary for the youngsters to accept such heavy mental pressure from
this problem?
An interview with some local old people found that most of them could quite
easily understand the difficulty facing their children, and wouldn’t force them
to make any particular choice.
“Although all parents want their children to come back home for the family
reunion, we can all understand their decision, no matter where they choose to
go,?said Huang Renlan, a retired teacher in his 60s.
“As parents, what concerns us most is not whether they have come to the
dinner, but whether they really care about us. The filial piety of children is
not decided by their presence for one dinner, but the many trivial things they
do at other times of the year.?
A newspaper in Shenyang in Northeast China’s Liaoning Province conducted a
survey among the local senior citizens, finding that over 60 per cent of parents
said they wouldn’t try to force their children to make any particular decision
on the matter. Instead they would respect their decision, no matter where they
decided to go. The situation in Shanghai is just the same, experts said.
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