Relatively horrible holiday

The mass migration of Chinese to their hometowns during Spring Festival is heartwarming ... and extremely annoying to the younger generation

Warm family reunions, a table of delicious food, fireworks - ah, China's Spring Festival, which kicks off in earnest on Feb 7, the eve of the Lunar New Year, and continues into the following week.

The reality, however, tends to be nerve-wracking, what with all the boring, annoying, and woefully offensive questions from Chinese relatives.

From "Can you understand the English words on TV?" to "How much did your parents pay for your tuition?" every mundane facet of your life seems to interest them.

They care about you, but they lecture you and judge you. For "leftover" people, the question "Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?" is enough to make you spitting mad.

You might think this is an easy question to answer, but - oh, you sweet, innocent simpleton - whether your answer is "yes" or "no", follow-up questions await, ready to pounce at the first sign of weakness.

Let's start with "yes". If you admit you are in a relationship, the focus will immediately be transferred to your partner.

Relative: Good for you! How old is he?

Tài hǎo le! Tā duō dà nián jì?

太好了！他多大年纪？

You: Same as me.

Hé wǒ yī yàng dà.

和我一样大。

R: Oh, that's good. How much does he earn every month?

Nà hén hǎo a. Tā yī gè yuè zhèng duōshǎo qián?

那很好啊。他一个月挣多少钱？

Y: Uh...

è??

呃??

R: If there is not an economic problem, you should consider getting married.

Jīng jì méi wèn tí de huà, nǐ men yīng gāi kě yǐ kǎo lǜ jié hūn le.

经济没问题的话，你们应该考虑结婚了。

Y: We haven't planned that.

Wǒ men hái méi yǒu jì huà.

我们还没计划。

R: Then you should. Think about your age!

Gāi jì huà le. Xiǎng xiǎng nǐ dōu duō dà le!

该计划了。想想你都多大了！

Let's face it. Relatives have no concept of "privacy". Anything from age to salary is asked about with the polite manners and consideration of a rampaging hippo. And, what's more, regardless of your answers to their barrage of questions, the answer is always, "You should get married," which, as advice goes, is not helpful.

So maybe you decide that you're going to avoid all that, and just answer "no" to the question. Oh dear. Be aware that now, you're going to hear "you should". A lot.

R: You are still single? Oh, you should see someone.

Nǐ hái dān shēn? Nǐ yīng gāi zhǎo nán péng yǒu le.

你还单身？你应该找男朋友了。

Y: Actually, I am not that desperate.

Qí shí wǒ hái bù jí.

其实我还不急。

R: You should be. If you don't find a boyfriend now, the good boys will be picked up by others first.

Gāi jí le. Nǐ xiànzài bù zhǎo, hǎo nánháir dōu bèi bié rén tiāo zǒu le!

该急了。你现在不找，好男孩儿都被别人挑走了！

Y: I will be able to find my Mr Right in the future.

Wǒ jiāng lái huì zhǎo dào hé shì de duì xiàng.

我将来会找到合适的对象。

R: You should take action now. What are your standards for a boyfriend? Let me fix you up.

Nǐ xiànzài jiù gāi xíng dòng le. Nǐ xiǎng zhǎo shén me yàngr de? Wǒ bāng nǐ jiè shào ba.

你现在就该行动了。你想找什么样儿的？我帮你介绍吧。

If you don't want a blind date in the very near future, end the conversation.

What, you think you are exempt just because you are married? Ha! No, now they expect you to impregnate or be impregnated by someone - a subject everyone is happy to discuss with their family members.

R: Are you planning to have a baby this year?

Nǐ dǎsuàn jīn nián yào hái zima?

你打算今年要孩子吗？

Y: Yeah, I hope to. But my mom suggested we consider the baby's zodiac sign.

Shìde, wǒ xiǎng yào. Dànshì wǒ mā jiàn yì wǒmen kǎo lǜ yī xià hái zi de shǔ xiàng.

是的，我想要。但是我妈建议我们考虑一下孩子的属相。

Of course, details of marriage and babies are far from enough to sate their curiosity. Your career, income and lifestyle will all be topics. They will seize every opportunity to show sympathy and teach you a life lesson - even and especially if their life has been rubbish. In this situation, you can consider switching the conversation to another direction or a deeper level.

R: Aren't the housing prices in Beijing very expensive?

Běi jīng de fáng zū bù shì hěn guì ma ?

北京的房租不是很贵吗？

Y: Yeah, they are.

Shì tǐng guì de.

是挺贵的。

R: Then why do you have to live there? Come back home and get married! Life would be much easier!

Nà nǐ wèi shén me hái liú zài nàr? Huí jiā jié hūn ba! Jiālǐrì zi hǎo guò duō le!

那你为什么还留在那儿？回家结婚吧！家里日子好过多了！

Y: I remember a report that said our hometown is experiencing an aging population and a labor shortage. What do you think of this?

Wǒ jì dé yǒu bào dào shuō zánmen jiā xiāng rén kǒu lǎo ling huà hé láo dòng lì duǎn quēwèn tí hěn yán zhòng. Zhè xiē wèn tí ní zěnme kàn ?

我记得有报道说咱们家乡人口老龄化和劳动力短缺问题很严重。这些问题你怎么看？

Courtesy of The World of Chinese, www.theworldofchinese.com

The World of Chinese

(China Daily European Weekly 02/05/2016 page23)