How to break a heart

A short guide to the tragic farewell in Chinese

So many expressions in language describe love and relationships as eternal: until the seas run dry and the rocks crumble (海枯石烂 hǎikū shílàn), until heaven and Earth get old (地老天荒 dìlǎo tiānhuāng).

A lover's pledge is called 海誓山盟 (hǎishì shānméng, an oath to the sea and mountains), expressing the idea that two people sharing true love will spend their lives together (一生一世 yì shēng yì shì), or every life (生生世世 shēng shēng shì shì), if you believe in reincarnation.

The whole thing seems like an epic fairytale. But, it does not always turn out that way, does it?

To be fair, the ancients who came up with those expressions were lucky to live past 30, so a lifetime together would probably only be a decade or so. Nowadays, failed relationships are more common than successful ones.

How do you deal with life's inevitable breakup moments? Don't even think about text messaging or phone calls if you have any decency. Here are some common breakup lines from which you might draw some inspiration.

First you want to explain your decision, telling the other person what went wrong. A good principle to follow is 好聚好散 (hǎo jù hǎo sàn, give a good ending to a good time together). If it is really nobody's fault, you want to stay neutral. A common word to use is 合适 (hé shì, fit), here referring to "compatibility".

We are not compatible.

Zánliǎ bù hé shì.

咱俩不合适。

Today, compatibility means more than the traditional standard of 门当户对(mén dāng hù duì, the status and wealth of the two families should match). Shared views, interests and values are often cited:

We don't have a lot in common to talk about.

Wǒmen méi yǒu gòngtóng yǔyán.

我们没有共同语言。

We don't share the three views, there's no way we can stay together.

Wǒmen de sānguān bù hé, méibànfà jìxù zài yìqǐ le.

我们的三观不合，没办法继续在一起了。

The三观(sānguān, the three views) is short for 世界观 (shìjièguān, view of the world), 人生观 (rénshēngguān, view of life), and 价值观 (jiàzhǐguān, view on values). Originally, the "three views" was a Marxist term taught widely in China and is often now used to refer to opinions in general.

Some are a bit more dramatic, saying:

We are not from the same world.

Wǒmen bú shì yí gè shìjiè de rén.

我们不是一个世界的人。

Of course, you could simplify things a tad:

My dog does not like your cat.

Wǒ jiā de gǒu bù tài xǐhuān nǐ jiā de māo.

我家的狗不太喜欢你家的猫。

We don't have the same vocabulary. How can we manage to stay together?

Wǒliǎ de cíhuìliàng bù yíyàng, zěnme néng zài yìqǐ?

我俩的词汇量不一样，怎么能在一起？

Under the smokescreen of these strange reasons are some real differences in personality. Others may avoid mentioning any specific reason but cite fate.

We are not destined to be together.

Wǒliǎ méiyǒu yuánfèn.

我俩没有缘分。

The term 缘分 (yuánfèn), or 缘 (yuán), is a concept from Buddhism, referring to a fateful coincidence that brings people together, especially lovers. It might sound romantic, but it can get ridiculous.

The fortune-teller said our birth times do not match. We'd better break up.

Suànmìng de shuō wǒliǎ bāzì bù hé, háishi fēnshǒu ba.

算命的说我俩八字不合，还是分手吧。

八字 (bāzì), or 生辰八字 (shēngchén bāzì, literally, the eight characters of birth), was (and still is) believed to be an important factor for a successful life and marriage. It is also called the "four pillars of destiny", which are the year, month, day, and hour of your birth. If the couple gets married with mismatched bazi, the consequences could be disastrous.

If your stars are aligned and you both hold the same views - well, you can always pass the buck. Judgmental families are a great scapegoat.

My mom doesn't think we are a match.

Wǒ mā juéde wǒmen bù héshì.

我妈觉得我们不合适。

My parents will not allow us to be together.

Wǒ fùmǔ bù tóngyì wǒmen zài yìqǐ.

我父母不同意我们在一起。

You might hear these phrases from mommy's boys and daddy's girls so used to having their parents plan everything they cannot think on their own. There is also the possibility that they are just using the parents excuse to avoid confrontation. If you want to borrow these lines, your breakup will be successful but your ex will always remember you as a jerk.

When it comes to breaking up, indirectness and ambiguity are an anathema to a successful split. People might be afraid of hurting other's feelings. A spoon full of sugar does not make this medicine go down. Some people toss the phrase "you are a good person" (你是一个好人 nǐ shìyī gè hǎorén) around as the ultimate rejection. There is always a "but" after that lovely sentiment. Some guys like to say, "I don't want to waste your time" (我不想耽误你 wǒ bù xiǎng dānwù nǐ).

Being straightforward and clear about a breakup is the right thing to do. Choose your line carefully and it could save you drama. Remember to appreciate your time together and give them your best wishes.

Thank you for our time together. I hope you will find someone to love.

Xièxie nǐde péibàn, xīwàng nǐ néng zhǎo dào nǐ xǐhuan de rén.

谢谢你的陪伴，希望你能找到你喜欢的人。

Courtesy of The World of Chinese, www.theworldofchinese.com

The World of Chinese

(China Daily European Weekly 01/08/2016 page23)