Marriage knots unraveling

By He Na (China Daily) Updated: 2011-08-08 07:51

Real life, not plots

Other factors help send some marriages to the breaking point, too. Guo Wanhua, another senior lawyer with Beijing Chang An, points to a few.

"When a husband and wife lack communication due to a heavy workload or various kinds of social activities, they begin to ignore each other," he said. "Then there's the popularity of the Internet and places of entertainment that provide more chances to make new friends and develop extramarital affairs."

Guo mentioned a recent case he handled. The man, from Jinan, Shandong province, fell in love with a woman he met online, and resolved to divorce. He said he gave his wife more than half his property, but she held to the hope that he would change his mind one day and refused to divorce.

Finally, the man moved to Qingdao, 320 km away, with the xiaosan - the "other woman" - and never came back.

Zhang Wanxin, a postgraduate student at Jilin University, married last year. "My older sister divorced, for her husband had an extramarital affair. One of my friends also divorced, for she gave birth to a girl and her mother-in-law doesn't like her.

"I thought these were only plots for TV plays or films, but they just happened around me," Zhang said. "I am really afraid that my marriage will end one day."

New phenomenon

Lawyer Wang has noticed that increasingly, women are asking for divorce, even if they would be considered wrongdoers in the marriage. These women are generally 30 to 40 years old and well educated, and have independent economic resources.

A typical case came up last month, he said. The husband is a television journalist; the wife works in a foreign company. In their first couple of years, their salaries were about equal. The man's job hasn't changed, and he earns 5,000 yuan a month. The wife has become vice-president of her company's China region.

She started divorce proceedings, saying he is not ambitious. He accepted, saying an end to the marriage would be a relief.

"The man complained that the wife often talked about villas, nice cars and top brands at home," Wang said. "They have fewer and fewer common interests. He felt he did not have dignity in the family."

The new phenomenon of successful career women with higher salary and status than their husbands clashes strongly with China's traditional marriage model with the man as superior.

"Couples need to learn to balance their minds and do more to understand the other person's perspective. The higher status party does not put on airs at home," Wang said. "Only in this way can the two parties avoid many conflicts."

A simple procedure

The Marriage Registry Office of the Civil Affairs Bureau of Chaoyang District, Beijing, is a three-story white building in a big residential community. Whether they are there to marry or divorce, everyone needs to visit Room 205 and take a number, just as they do at the bank.

Two staff members are in charge of the room, one for marriage and the other for divorce. Over two hours on a Thursday afternoon, it was obvious that more were looking to divorce.

People going to the office for marriage often arrive hand in hand. Those for divorce often keep some distance from each other.

The divorce process is very simple: Both parties present their hukou (residency permits), ID cards, marriage certificates, divorce agreement and passport-size photos. They pay 9 yuan ($1.39) and the worker stamps the divorce certificate in red. The marriage is over.

How to cultivate marriage

"Love and marriage are two different things," matrimonial lawyer Wang Xiuquan said. "People need to be cautious and choose carefully.

"I suggest people take a professional marriage test on one of the big dating websites before they get registered, or go to a marriage and family counselor for advice."

Husband and wife should cultivate common interests and hobbies, he said. Help each other in their careers. Learn tolerance and understanding. And never compare your spouse's shortcomings with someone else's merits, said Wang, who also is a marriage and family counselor.

Shu Xin, director of the China Marriage and Family Affairs Consulting and Research Center, offered another maxim: "Don't be afraid of having problems in marriage. The happy marriage is not the marriage without problems, but is good at solving them."

Most jobs require training before employment, even nanny and delivery person, sociologist Yu Hai said, but for the two most important careers - marriage partner and parent - there is no training.

"The old proverb goes, 'Harmony in the family is the basis for success in any undertaking,'" Shu said.

Experimental programs to help people who feel stranded in a marriage have been established in Lanzhou, capital of Gansu province, and in Shanghai. Marriage and family counselors provide services in many cities.

Many countries also take such steps. The United States, for example, launched a Healthy Marriage Initiative five years ago to encourage marriage education and consultation programs.

In South Korea, the court will not accept a divorce application immediately. It gives the couple some time to think over their decision - often a month for a couple without children, three months for a family with children.

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